Way too Funny!!! - Got to read (Sorry its Long)

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in
great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I
decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
_____________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.
She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a
dazzling white smile.
Woo Hoo!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the
skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout
today. Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already
aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to
be a FANTASTIC week-!!
__________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put
weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made
the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel
GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals.. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer
or stop.

I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient

with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the
morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY
annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair
monster. Why the heck would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in
shape and enjoy life. She said some other crap too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a
half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me
to work out with dumbbells.

When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another
skinny witch to find me.Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.
________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that witch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic,
anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if
you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the stupid barbells or
anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I

landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been
someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me
want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength
to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of
the Weather Channel.
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
daughter (the little brat) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a
root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend
over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!